Dear Past Self... It got worse.

Diabolik

Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2019
The following are Journals that I wrote at bad places in time for me... I wanted to share since I plan on updating it every couple of months to see how my mental state and my personal thoughts are progressing. Thank you to anyone who reads it ^^! -Dia
5/12/2019

Do you ever feel like you’re drowning? As if your whole world is crumbling down, suffocating you in debris. You try to swim through the chaos, to stay above it all, but rubble keeps hitting you when you least expect it. I never know what to do during this time, it’s been hell for me as of late, so I suppose a few things are in order to be explaining. Let me start at the beginning.


Growing up was fairly easy, loving family, doting parents, an older sibling whom I fought with every now and then. We were the typical good ‘ol fashion American family. Even in my last year of high school I gained a younger sibling whom my parents had adopted. Then, November 2017 hit, I lost my grandmother. This is the first close personal death I’ve had to deal with, and I still struggle to this day. Not even a year afterward, my mothers health declined. She was first diagnosed with heart failure back in 2007, and received a pacemaker and defibrillator. Stable for over ten years, then my grandmother passed away, and now she’s declining. I am extremely close to my mother, and seeing how she was when it happened, tore me apart. Seeing her now as her health declines, losing muscle, losing her old sense of self, it’s completely awful. Words cannot express how my heart breaks every time I see her now, thinking back to the past where me and her had gone on adventures. I live day to day, fearing when I look at my phone for a bunch of missed calls. It’s completely awful, and I would never wish upon anyone. Right now we’re trying to get her on the heart transplant list, if we can’t, she won’t have much longer left.


I've also dealt with my depression all my life, being diagnosed with severe manic depression, right now it’s completely fucking dreadful. Everyday I wake up and just imagine myself not existing. Having so much debt, worry, anguish, over everything in my life is almost becoming too much to bear. I just hate all this pain, I hate what my mother has to go through right now. I don’t want her to suffer, but I can’t stand the thought of her leaving me so early. I’m 22, and she’s only 46 years old. 46, and she’s facing the possibility of death. If this dialysis doesn’t work, she may have a couple months left. Let me tell you when I hope, I fucking hope with all my heart it works. But the realistic side of me wonders if it doesn’t, I trust in the doctors, but if it doesn’t work where do I go. Where will I live? We rely on her income to keep us afloat at least. What will I do with my little 5 year old brother? My dad? My dad can’t work because of his back, but what about my brother. Will he remember her? Even my mother herself told me she fears death, and the possibility of him not remembering her. Of course, being the rock that I am, told her to not think like that and I would never let him forget about her.



09/27/2019

An update to my past self, your greatest fear became real. On Wednesday June 5th, 2019, mom held a meeting with immediate family members. Mom had given up, her liver and kidneys were failing, she was tired, she couldn’t sleep, eat, she lived in constant pain. After talking with her and the doctors, Mom concluded that she wanted to go home, and live out the rest of her days at her childhood home in Dayton. On Friday June 7th, she was transported from the hospital to grandpa’s house. You decided to wait until Saturday to see her, so she could rest, that will be your biggest mistake you made. On Saturday June 8th, 2019, you sit by her bedside as you stroke her hand, feel her warmth, close your eyes and try to just feel her, remember her. You stay for 4-5 hours before returning to your other grandparents down the street. At 11:28 pm, Dad calls you, he tells you mom passed away. So soon, it all happened so soon. You were expecting more time, at least more time to just talk to her, let her know how you felt. But it was too late. You tell him you’re coming over, and hang up the phone. Next thing you know, your breathing staggers, your hands are shaking and you are on your knees, crying out, screaming at the top of your lungs. Your whole world has crumbled and your heart is shattering into a million tiny pieces. Your grandparents rush out of their room, trying to get you to say what’s wrong, but the words aren’t coming out. You’re trying to say she’s gone, but reality hit you extremely hard. Your grandmother comforts you as she holds you, crying so hard no sound was coming out. You lost your mom forever, and now you can’t talk to her ever again. Won’t be able to hear her voice calling to you, no longer having those goofy moments where she would play music and dance in her bathrobe. Your grandfather has to drive due to how upset you are, now you reach the house, afraid to go inside. You meet your crying father at the door as you all 3 hug, then you walk up to her. She doesn’t look real, so lifeless, as if she’s vanished forever leaving behind a fake copy. This had to be a joke, this couldn’t be real. You need to make sure it’s real, you touch her hand, stiff and slightly warm still, but still becoming cold faster. This is real. Your worst nightmare for the past 6 months came true, after telling everyone your fears of it happening, and being told to think positively. What’s there to be positive about now? How do I move on? Is it okay to move on? When mom made her choice, you broke down in front of the doctors, mom called you over and told you “You’re plenty big enough now.” and you shake your head. Looking at her now, you still don’t feel big enough, you still needed her.


Now, I wish I could tell you I was doing fine, but I’m worse now than I ever was. I’m still grieving, trying to get used to the idea of it all, but it’s incredibly hard. Hopefully, I will come back to this again and give another update to me now, and see if I am better. For now, I have her bathrobe now, and the necklace I bought her that she wore everyday. After all, you are my sunshine Mom. Always and forever. Love, your daughter.
 

Diabolik

Member
Joined
Jan 19, 2019
11/29/2019
I got through your birthday alright, as well as my first thanksgiving without you. On the car drive to CC's house he asked because you passed away that you wouldn't be there... It's hard explaining to a 6 year old why Mommy's not here and why she isn't ever going to come back. My heart breaks every time he asks, cause he doesn't understand. Everyone always tells me its better this way so it doesn't hurt him, but I remember Elementary school. Making cards for mom for mothers day, why wouldn't a little boy be expected to be a momma's boy and make things for her? I worry about those instances where he has to say that his mom passed away... Your biggest fear was him not remembering you... Every time I ask him something, hoping he will mention you, he doesn't. I'm trying Mom. I'm trying so hard to make sure he does remember, show him videos, make sure he knows who taught him what... But it's hard, he doesn't understand and it hurts so much when he brings up that you're gone. I still can't believe you're gone, I look back at my memories and wonder where it all went wrong. You spiraled down in 6 months... That's all it took, 6 months before you passed. I keep asking myself what can I do, what could I have done to have stopped it? I blame myself, I feel guilty moving on... But at least I have good news, I'm signing a lease for an apartment, a big kid step that I wish I could talk to you about. It's such a nice place and my part of the rent is only 275 which is super cheap and nice. Plus I get a ton of space too! I've also lost weight, so it's not all bad in life. But it's still hard for me not to have my best friend along the way. I miss you Mom, Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for the time I had with you.

Forever your daughter,
V.
 
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