Evieve's Dearest Thoughts

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EvieveRoth

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Feb 8, 2019
I'm not sure why anybody would spend their time to read this thread in the first place, but in case you found this thread, HELLO! Welcome to this humble thread of mine.
The place where I decided to simply give another piece of my simple life. I hoped you guys can actually take something good out of any posts that I'll make here in the future; be it life lessons, humors (pfft, as if I have a great sense of humor, right? but then again, my life is nothing but a joke), or even any heartwarming feelings.

I've been reading a few journals here before, but I never really thought of creating one until today.
I just feel like it, since I need to share it somewhere where I can freely express myself. I hope the posts don't bother anyone though.

So yeah, I've been feeling a little lost lately, to be honest. Not about the roleplay per say, it's more about my personal life. I just resigned from my previous job end of last December and up until now, I haven't managed to get a new job. What saddened me was the point where I realized those companies don't think I'm the right one for them.
Maybe it was because of my resume, maybe my cover letter wasn't good enough, or maybe.. just maybe, I am simply underqualified in their opinions. Whatever it may be, it made me sick since they never really bother to reject me (well, they had mentioned that only shortlisted peeps will get notified, so yeah, I am not even on the shortlist)

So lately, I've been thinking that, instead of having me begging for a job, I decided to open business myself. I hope this could work, though. If not, I'm not sure what I would do next to earn money LOL
The last thing I want is to be a burden in my parents' house and waste their money for nothing good. I would hate myself if I do that...
 

Viante

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Jan 3, 2019
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New England (USA)
Don't feel discouraged about not finding a job right away, it is really difficult. At least where I am it is. Took me almost a year to get a new one once I started searching, which is why you usually want to try to find a new job before leaving the old one. But that isn't always possible.

But I have an associates degree and graduated summa cum laude while being part of the honors society. And all my previous employers have nothing but nice things to say. But most places ignore my application too so it isn't that you're not good enough or anything. A lot of jobs end up giving the position away to a friend, or a friend of someone who already works there. Them overlooking you doesn't really mean you did anything wrong or that you weren't good enough, frankly, there's a good chance the person they hired was less qualified but got in because they knew someone already working there. That's how it usually goes.

My advice, it to just keep applying to as much as you can, you'll get into something eventually. Or if you can make your own business then go ahead and do that. :)



I'm not sure why anybody would spend their time to read this thread in the first place,
Because I'm a psych major and I'm drawn towards those who are down. It's just my instinct to help lift people up when I can. ^.^
 

EvieveRoth

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Feb 8, 2019
Don't feel discouraged about not finding a job right away, it is really difficult. At least where I am it is. Took me almost a year to get a new one once I started searching, which is why you usually want to try to find a new job before leaving the old one. But that isn't always possible.

But I have an associates degree and graduated summa cum laude while being part of the honors society. And all my previous employers have nothing but nice things to say. But most places ignore my application too so it isn't that you're not good enough or anything. A lot of jobs end up giving the position away to a friend, or a friend of someone who already works there. Them overlooking you doesn't really mean you did anything wrong or that you weren't good enough, frankly, there's a good chance the person they hired was less qualified but got in because they knew someone already working there. That's how it usually goes.

My advice, it to just keep applying to as much as you can, you'll get into something eventually. Or if you can make your own business then go ahead and do that. :)
Thank you, you're really kind >.<
I am quite aware of that harsh reality myself, since I initially had seen how this happened during my time working at the old place. That also made me feel down about myself, since I have to admit my social skills are pretty lacking in my opinion hahha. I tend to be shy and people usually thought I was arrogant or unfriendly based on that look I had lol

Right now, I am kind of in a limbo myself whether opening the business is the right decision, but at least it helps me divert my worries to something else, you know, something more useful rather than simply looking at those job vacancy websites lol.

All in all, thank you for the kind words Viante <3 You're such an angel!
 

EvieveRoth

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Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Okay, so update about every thing and all. I have a lot to talk about and I'm typing this on my phone, so please excuse any weird mistypos ahead.

I'm feeling a little mixed here and there for some time. On a lot of things as well. Probably from the period and all, but a friend of mine once warned me not to blame everything on it cause it's childish. She sound really mature when she told me that, but I have to be honest, period brought hell to us girls and that alone could make everything breaks loose.

So yeah, been sick for nearly a week in the early of March. My stomach definitely could not keep up with anything thanks to my gastric acid. No worries, I'm fine now, but I just can't help but think how every time I got a high fever, I was always thinking how I'd be dead soon and all those shits running wild in my head.

The weather here in my hometown is such a mess, people keep getting sick from it. And not just me. I mean literally everyone I met in town was either coughing or sneezing. Some unlucky souls also suffer similar symptomps like me. Some of my cousins got hospitalized from dengue fever (three times in a row within 2 weeks!)

Not to mention how the condition in my old house is not helping me feeling any happier. My sisters believed I was sick due to stress from being "locked" at home for too long without real socialization with friends (I am really awkward when it comes to real social life.. But I crave it.. And it sucks to wanting something you can't have easily no matter how hard you tried)
I can partially agree to that theory, but all in all, I guess I was more depressed about how I lost my freedom from living by my own before and now must commit to the old-fashion curfew my dad has for us girls.
I don't blame him for worrying over us, I just feel...annoyed about how he was so paranaoid about every thing (my eldest sister has similar way of thinking.. So... Yeah...)
I wish I could go until late at night, not being spammed with call from sisters (cause Dad told them to do so) or having to explain to him what we're going to do every time I have a meet up (I mean of course we're gonna eat and talk a lot... What was he thinking? It's not like I can drink booze here and went home at 3 am)

Other than that, my business has started a few days ago. I feel so nervous to be honest. I wonder if there's anyone who would buy my handmade products. At this point, I feel like if I can't get a job outside I need to prove them I can make my own money..but now I feel like I might be a burden to them. A part of me knows it's still too early to talk about this or think of it this way. But I just can't help but think about what if it all fails?

My eldest sister keep intervening whenever I bought the materials for the product. Saying people won't like it; how people would choose the basic color like black ones; choosing the one she thinks her customer would buy instead of mine...yadda yadda yadda. I know she means no ill will. But I can't help feeling...offended.
Like this is MY store, not YOURS... Why can't you let me express myself a little bit more?!
My middle sis told me she probably did not want me to lose a lot of money after creating something like that... But hey, what kind of person would like to buy from a seller who has no other color but red and black?
Like.. Who is she kidding?!
But again... Since I haven't had any customer yet, I can't slap her in the face with that fact.
I keep thinking about the probability of doing things I have in mind rather than what she thought would work.
Mind you all this is an Asian family, so.. If you think it sucks, yes it is lol.

My cat recently got "kicked" out of his own house by a more dominant stray cat which we believed supposed to be his dad (He was adopted from a stray cat who gave birth in front of my house lol, so the dad is still a mystery until now)
So yeah, he was being super sad right now, and we could not help but baby talk him again even though he's already a year and a half now. After all, he's still a baby at heart hahaha...

Moving on to something lighter and more random, I dreamt my ex a few days ago. Lol it was so hilarious that I found myself trying to avoid him at all cost in the dream, and still ended up trapped in the same table with him. He was being super nice and patient though, so all in all, I enjoyed the dream (no harsh feelings about him anymore, so I was just thinking how funny is it that I dreamt about an old friend)
I was just thinking that probably I need a bf soon since maybe it's been too long since the last time I got involved in something serious.


Well, thanks for reading this, if there's any of you out there who managed to read it up till this point. I'm relieved I can let this all out in a long post like this. Maybe I would do it again next month or so hahaha. :D
 

MacCloud

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Jan 3, 2019
Location
East Coast USA
I read this section, one thing you can be absolutely positive about is you are not alone in your situation. That doesn't help other than misery loves company. Now I won't bore you with my problems as you have enough of your own to deal with but something that helped me was starting off every morning with a walk. Some form of exercise, it helps defeat many forms of depression by burning the bad stuff out of your system. Actually fifteen minutes of exercise of any kind you like (it isn't for me but you could just dance). I am a guy so I worked out but it helps get you moving. Second thing I did was dress for dinner. So I didn't like jacket and tie but a clean button shirt and jeans. So even if I was in sweats all day I would change for dinner. It is an old fashion thing but it makes me feel I was not a slob.

Starting your own business is hard, making a living is really tough. Best of luck with that. Diversity is best, just need to control inventory. If your good at artistry or calligraphy than small pictures or those cool letters are usually very popular. Than what do I know LOL

I was laid off for 8 months one time and yeah it is tough to be out of work but you need to fight, get interviews when possible. Be yourself, One thing I am sure of is your are an interesting person.

best of luck
 

EvieveRoth

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Joined
Feb 8, 2019
@MacCloud Thank you, you're really kind.

When I was still working, I used to go to the gym and feel happier thanks to being able to do something to relieve my stress and all. Going out with friends also worked. But it seems to be impossible now that I live with my parents. They were really concerned when I went to the gym (saying it's unhygienic and very dangerous and all). The point is, they simply hate exposure of foreign things. This is also why I have a very early curfew and pretty much "caged" hahaha. Sorry for spilling more spoiled milk here, I know I should be more optimistic and see the half-full glass rather than the opposite. I will try to do more exercise from now on :) Will update you on the progress next time I put on the entry, perhaps.

I have a very complicated situation with myself where meeting me in real life might be different from meeting me on the internet, so sometimes it ruins my chance with those interviews LOL. But all in all, I am grateful for the chance of opening my own business.
I do try some calligraphy, but it's pretty clear I'm not really good with that LOL.

Thanks for the wishes once again. It really means a lot to me. :D
 
Joined
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The highway to the DANGER ZONE
Hey, just to let you know, no worries if you aren't able to reply to stuff for a while. It seems like you've gone through a lot of stuff and that obviously comes first, but I'm also seeing that you're being very strong through a very transitional time in your life so that's good.

I wish I could baby talk my cat while they need me to snuggle them. The cat we adopted yesterday is three years old and very much not in the mood to be anywhere near us unless she gets very sleepy and can't fight us picking her up. I tried picking her up this morning (which we were told she doesn't like, but how else am I supposed to get her to do things?!) to show her where her litter box is, then when I opened the bathroom door to do the same thing for her food (the poor thing is so stressed from this new environment she's barely eaten) she darted out into the kitchen and has been on the lam ever since.
 

EvieveRoth

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Joined
Feb 8, 2019
My cat is not keen to being touched either. I have to admit he's not the brightest or the healthiest among his siblings, which was the main reason why my sister kept him instead of the rest (cause she's afraid he might die if we didn't take care of him)

When a cat is brought to a new place, it is quite normal for them to feel a little distressed, since they feel unfamiliar with the new environment. And cat..being cat, they don't really like being told what to do, so most of the time they would only call to you when they need you (thus we become their slaves lol)

If your cat is three years old, she's supposed to be able to know where the litter box should be (if she's a domesticated pet since childhood). At least the smell of the sand should be pretty similar. I've seen somewhere on YT that taught peeps to potty train kittens so you definitely could search it up. I have an idea though, you might be able to place the sand on her pee on the floor, let it absorb it first before putting it back onto the litter box for the first time. This way, she would recognize her scent there and would hopefully start using it. This is just an idea, but you're more than welcomed to try that.

Also about the food. Since she's still adapting, I think it would be best to let her have the space she need while providing the food and drink. Idk about your cat, but my cat always meowed so hard whenver he demand his food (or his after meal snack) so we simply know when we should give him the food (he's a year old and still eating liquid food, too lazy to chew and I still cant figure out how to train him to be more adult xD)
But in case if she's a silent cat, you can just provide some dry food in the bowl along with the water side by side. Slowly, she would start to learn the place and enjoy the food.
You can start calling out to her or just linger around when she's in the same room... But please don't pick her up, especially when she still feel unsafe in the new place. It would only make her more distressed.

Another way to let her know you better is when she's too sleepy. Like you said, she would be too tired to protest, so you get to at least pet her slowly. Introduce your scent by sticking it to her nose (not poking it though, since it's pretty sensitive), that way she will start sniffing it and at least get to know your scent as a friendly one..
Then you can start talking to her and petting her head.

Cats are mostly moody, so we can't avoid getting hissed at or clawed at some part (been there, done that)
But I guess ehat you can do as their good hooman is to make them trust you enough and like you.
My cat is still scared of strangers, especially guys. He would run and hide whenever he heard unfamiliar guy voice and waited until abday before he showed up again.

Hope this helps, @CasualVelociraptor
 
Joined
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Location
The highway to the DANGER ZONE
Well, she's already been litter trained, and she at the very least kicked it around last night, although I don't know if there's any clumps. She also likes when I scratch her chin and cheek. I probably will have to bring the wet food and some water to her in a minute or she won't eat very much, but hopefully she will be able to go to the bathroom in the place we've set out for her or she'll get litter dust everywhere. XD
 

EvieveRoth

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
My thoughts has been really burdened with lots if things, and sad to say, I am too afraid to tell this to any breathing creatures near me. So here I am, pouring not only the tea...

I will warn you firsthand if there's any of you who's here for this particular entry, the post will be extra long. And it would be pretty random and boring.. And probably nasty.

I feel lonely.

That would be great if I can just shout this out loud to the world. For so many reasons, I realized that I might have a tiny bit of depression in myself and now that I feel like being in a caged, I feel worse more often than before. Sure... I can blame the hormones and periods, but sometimes, I just knew that something is wrong with me and it's not because of the cramps or the bloody thing going on in my womb. I just always thought that my life is a mistake, it's all a mess and I just can't do anything because I simply cannot control this the way I want it. Not for too long, at least. And this suffocates me inside little by little until sometimes, I just question myself what do I need to do to keep living? What is the purpose of me living? What do I need to do to make myself normal? How can i change myself so everyone could accept me? What is wrong with me?

And from that, usually my mind will trace back to the main origin of the problem: my family. Yeap, I live in a house with people who mostly cannot understand me.. That's what I always thought. I think my parents might think of me as a lazy bum who did nothing that could make em proud like my siblings did to them. Of course I'm aware of that, it's just that I tried not to be too frontal about that in front of them. But seeing them sighing and seemed to be speechless whenever we talked about my friends I can't comprehend myself being compared to those kids. I want to blame myself so much, I wish I was dead insetead of living until this far. But a part of me wished to blame them as well, cause it takes two to clap,and as immature as I could be, my brain is well enough to at least realized how I was raised differently compared to kids my age.

Again, the thought process remained insistent that it wasn't their fault for them to actually think the way baby boomers did when my friends' parents are more gen X. But it kills me every time I realized that I can't hang around with them easily. Nor have the same access to the entertainment that suits my taste. (Fyi, my siblings are genius and I'm not, and of course being a useless, bratty kid that I am... They got no sense of pride about me obviously. And they probably only see me as someone who only waste their money for nothing)
When I was passionate about something, my family would see it more of foreign things that was scary. Kinda like those homo erectus when they learnt about fire.

And so... with that happening since I was in primary, I got chained by this invisible metal called social pressure. I got pressured when I met my friends and realizing how different I was, how immobile I was even for a slumber party or hanging out. I got pressured when the transcripts were given at the very end if the semester. I got pressured knowing that I just can't be normal and I was helpless about it.


When I was little, my sister told me this: "If you want to do something differently or buy something that you wanted without permission, then go make your money first... Then you can buy whatever you want."
True, that was what keeps me motivated in making money lol. I guess that's also why I was insistent in leaving them once I get work. I want to be independent. I want to prove it to them that I am capable of living my life the way I want it and show them that I will be way happier and fine without their crazy rules of curfews and social interactions with kids my age. (Yeah... I was even sneered for having friends at Facebook when I was in junior high school. Saying things like... 'Do you really need to share your thoughts there so easily?'
Well... That's my account so I should be allowed to post whatever I want right? It's not like I post something offensive or sensitive... It's just me sharing my boring thoughts and random posts)

And I did. But then again, I guess family does mold your personality. Even with those disagreements I have in mind about my family's way of living in seclusion, I just can't help to think that way. And I guess before I realized it, I myself became very awkward in talking to new people and developing weird sense of humor (not that it's bad... It's just that it was so out of the box, they nearly think I'm borderline crazy). Like seriously, even when I'm on my Facebook (which some of my friends still use), I just can't bring myself to share my thoughts there. Fearing of judgement and ignorance... I ended up only liking some posts and maybe comment a post or two. I was too scared they might actually forgot me by now since it's been a while since I was active in conversing there.
And now, in the present, my mind keep counting who's my friend right now and who might already forgotten about me. I wonder about how those people remember me as. Am I that unimportant to them? Was I remembered as a nuisance? Was I that hideous before? How should I react to those people?

I'm really scared of those eyes watching me walking. I'm scared of every giggles let out whenever I feel those eyes prying at me. I'm scared of what they might think of me when they looked at me with popping, dumb-founded eyes. I'm scared they hated me. I'm scared they talked bad things behind my back. Those things I have encountered when I was only fourth grade that continued right until last year of primary. It probably scarred me way more serious than I thought, but I wish I could disappear sometimes and just remain inexist so I would never have to encounter such thing anymore.

I can count to few kids that could at least tolerate my weird way of thinking (also my humor), but still I feel like they are still humans that might talk behind my back. I don't blame them doing that cause sometimes it simply happened because they were worried about me. But still, the thought suffocates me and I just can't help thinking about it over and over, thinking what did Isay or do wrong that makes them think of me as a bad or weird person they should avoid. I was pretty neutral when it comes to sensitive subjects, I remained quiet when they are debating over some shady things. But still, those people who are debating seemed to be closer and happier talking with each other rather than having me in the conversation. Some were definitely unimpressed having to talk to me over things, so I usually remained quiet again unless there were some people who could lighten up the mood.
Most of the times, it exhausts me so much, all that I can do is not thinking of anything. My heart was aching too much for those people and I know it's useless but I keep doing it over and over, hoping they could someday accept me.

I know some of you will think or question me with something like, well maybe they're not your typical homies, so why don't you just look for others? Yeah I've tried that too. Bad news is, I rarely find people I can really connect that much who might actually think of my insecurities and odds as something normal and tolerate it well. Some ended up despising me, if my assumption is right based on the way they look or talk to me.
People said when you have too many enemies, maybe it's not them who's wrong, it's you. So, I guess maybe I was the one who's weird, and wrong. But it leads me back to my ultimate question: how should I change it? I can't and I don't know where to start. Why? Because those people that raised me never told me it's wrong. Mind you I got myself slapped when I was away from home. Only by then I realized how weird, wrong, and abnormal my family's way of thinking was. Too many negative news that keeps me edged over my good mood, jealousy, the habit of never apologizing, raising one's tone, over sarcasm, paranoid thoughts... I'm screwed, ain't I? Lol.


Speakong of friendships, this kinda related with relationship as well. I knew that friends first would be better than lover first (mostly because my family was too conventional that sex is just a big NO NO haha). But again, I have almost no friends that close. And guys seemed to be pretty repelled by me for some reasons. I just don't know where to start and what to fix. So yeah... I am pretty much reserved to be an old cat lady lol. But again, my own cat seems to hate me and prefer my sister (btw she dumped the cat that loves me when I was working out of town last year cause they're troublesome and they have no manpower left to raise them.) so yeah... I am all out of willingness to see the good things in every thing. I'm tired of it. Things are not flowers and butterflies ever for me nowadays so suck it up. That's what I told myself nowaday.












I will probably delete this after some time. I can't stand being too vulnerable on the net and I think this might make you who managed to read it until this part gets sick of me even without ever meeting me irl. Posting this is already embarrassing enough if not for the sake of my brain that keeps screaming at me, demanding for a media to pour this poisonous thoughts and wishful thinking.

Hope you all have a great night!
 

MacCloud

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Location
East Coast USA
First of all you are not alone. Damn near everyone feels some part of what you are feeling. Even those you see as popular. I don't normally talk about myself much because it often depressed people. I am going to tell you a few things about my life though to help you see you are not alone.

So my family was poor, not impoverished but lowest tier middle class like. We were Catholic and my Dad got me into the Catholic school. It was expensive but he seldom paid bills and once I was in they sort of had to keep me. Thing is the local public school was only a few blocks away. The school I attended was over a mile away. Catholic and public schools back then leastways did not share the same Holiday schedules. So I never really got to meet the local kids, so they distrusted and disliked me. I was weird, had to be because I went to a 'special' school. The School I went to was like all rich kids. They hated me because I was poor. Somehow everyone knew my parents did not pay for me to be there. That just made things worse.

I am a guy, so I fought back with my fists. So I was taken to the Mother superior and beaten for fighting. She would call my dad and I got another beating at home for making him look bad. It was also to show he supported the system so a sort of double whammy. I was sort of dense, it took me four years to figure out fighting was not the answer. Because even if I won, I got two beatings I could do nothing but take that were worse than any kid near my own age would give me. So I just quit fighting and learned to suck up the insults and taunts. I went to that school for eight years.

Now that was not the only problem those years, I was never invited to any birthday parties, I never had any friends, and my parents made me know just how worthless I was. My Dad beat me and my Mother whenever he got depressed. My mother had her own problems and she made an effort but it was easy to see it was an effort. She married my dad because she got pregnant with me and I ruined her life. My parents fought a lot, he was from the wrong side of the tracks and she was a princess with a garden club mom, an upper middle class family.

So my Dad and my Grandmother fought over me like a piece of meat. It was weird she would brag about how well I behaved and her friends treated me well. Than I would see them when with my parents and they would act like they never met me. You see my folks were not in their strata of elitism. It took me once more a while to understand with my parents I was one level and with my grandparents I was a different person somehow.

Knowing I got a free ride and being independent I would stay after school every day and help the janitors. I would sweep floors, straighten desk, even wash the blackboards. I was on a first name level with them. I was a boyscout as well. For three years I helped direct traffic for the Saturday morning classes for Catholic kids who did not attend the catholic school. I would be there at 5am to set up cones for rows of cars and be there till afternoon to put all the stuff away. I had to direct the the traffic and that was in itself weird because I was helping to keep things flowing and being cursed at by irate parents who were bringing their kids to learn about God. Every school day I raised and lowered the American flag for four years as well. You see I felt a need to prove my worth because I knew I was given a sort of free ride.

There is more but this is already too long. My point is I am fine, I have learned to be at peace with myself. You can as well. I have no real friends either, I have found dogs to be quite enjoyable though and they never judge you! Just look inside and find your self. All people are equal in the sight of God. I found peace in that as corny as it sounds knowing there is a God who loves me is my strength. I am not religious by any means. I have not been to church in many years. I do believe in God. He is my crutch. I treat all people as i would like to be treated even if they curse me. I find joy in knowing I do my best at all times, even if it is never noticed by anyone else.

I hope this helps, I really hope it does not sound preachy LOL. I just mostly wanted you to know your not alone in the way you feel.
 

EvieveRoth

Member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
@MacCloud First of all, need to give you applauses for making through the long post. Thank you for taking your time in reading the shitty post ha! :)

Second, thank you for sharing your story with me here, and maybe some fellow readers. If you feel like deleting it after this, go ahead, I wouldn't complain about it. I am sorry to know you had a way rougher childhood than I do. You must think I am some sort of a crybaby for wailing at this kind of simple things in life. But all in all, I am really happy you have found peace and joy in God. I am Christian and yes, the fact that everything is equal in His eyes made me peaceful and feeling that I'm not alone. I still support lgbtq and love them cause they're still humans. Perhaps I need to go to services again.. I hope I can do that now that I'm back living with my parents, it might be harder to do due to different schedules and religion stuff.
All in all, thank you for sharing and don't worry about being preachy. Your preach is really good :)

Third, I am sorry for actually taking my time in this post rather than replying the rp. Hopefully, I will be alrite by tomorrow and then I can make another lenghty post for you and other partners I have currently.
Btw, saw your updates about your Lady friend, hope she's okay! Prays for her recovery and therapy sessions to go.
 

MacCloud

Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Location
East Coast USA
No need to be sorry, you felt a need to vent and hey everyone needs to feel comfortable somewhere to vent. Sometimes just saying why you hurt helps make it less hurtful. I was not trying to say I had it rougher than you LOL, We all have a story and I thought, well I hooped you might feel better to know your story was not an isolated event. I know people who had it way worse then me. Thing is we are human and adaptable. I wanted you to see you would be fine.

Yes my lady friend is doing really well, it is a long road though. She is walking and very independent. I still need to be there and help her with many things but she if tough. Thanks for asking.

So find enjoyment in life and that is the best way to find yourself. Look forward to you being ready to post!!
 
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