Questionable written descriptions of the opposite sex

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I was looking at a page called “Men Write Women” that’s full of anatomical inaccuracies like nipples being mood barometers, someone holding their purse in their vagina, and various misunderstandings of tiddyphysics and thought this would be a good place for the topic

As a RL female who is male on the Internet, I tried to find an equivalent page of women writing wacky things about men but one doesn’t exist. That’s surprising considering how much erotica is written by women.

The headspace I try to enter is “me but more serious, unconsciously condescending, and horny”. If I’m not sure about something, I mainly leave it to interpretation. My biggest assumption is “horniness” and an orgasm are each the same basic sensations (with variations) no matter who you are and nobody’s really contradicted me there so it might be true(?)

What’s common stuff you see, personally, of people writing characters of the same sex as you that make you cringe or just go “hmm...”?

What are things people write that you instantly know they’ve never had sex IRL before?
 

ZetaInfection

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Wow, I pop back in see what's up and here's an interesting topic. As a female that writes male characters I can't weigh in on this as much, but I will say that before I ended up getting laid in real life there were probably a lot of things that I messed up. One of them primarily being that when a man orgasms, they stop moving. This is why it's more pleasurable for them to be jerked off by someone else and not themselves, because a second party doesn't stop midway. But...what do I know? Erotica is meant to be arousing, and not realistic I suppose? I do wish I had a dick though so I could understand this stuff better lmfao.

Also...holding a purse in their...Stop. Just stop. People can't really be THAT fucking stupid. Looks at the internet and is reminded that yes in fact people can be this stupid.

Edit: I was looking around online and I am pretty guilty of making my male characters softer than they would be IRL. I'm also someone who never goes out so I don't understand social things as well as others do. I believe this all boils down to the fact that men and woman are simply different in a mental way so we have a hard time understanding the other side. Women are more complex so their writing isn't as wonky I guess, whereas men are so simplistic that they have a hard time conveying the complexities of women. Just my own observation though.
 
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humon

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If I had to guess, I'd say the purse in the vajayjay must have been someone who had a gaping fetish. Sort of the same thing as shoving baseball bats and pineapples and other absurd things up there.

The nipples thing I see used a lot. I guess it's an artistic license thing, like how it always rains when people are sad... it suddenly gets cold enough to harden a girl's nipples whenever the author-insert is about to get laid.

I should weigh in as a male who writes female characters, but I don't recall being told specifically about anything I do wrong. I can't see my own mistakes, so I don't know what to say. In terms of psychology I usually go with, "me, but with the bonus that it's socially acceptable for me to slap people I don't like". Or it could also be, "me, but with more attention given to my appearance and relationships". I never really got the hang of the PMS stuff, though, so I just stay away from trying to replicate that accurately.

I don't recall not moving during orgasm. I may hold still, but that's generally for the purpose of making my jizz goes in the trash can instead of all over myself. That's not the reason guys prefer handjobs to masturbation though. It's just better to have someone else involved. Even if it's a handy, it's sort of like, "well, if she likes my dick enough to want to play with it, maybe next time she'll let me fuck her". Because eggs.
 

ZetaInfection

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Yeah, but that's the thing. Neither side is a one size fits all. That knowledge I threw out there was based on what a guy told me, so not all guys are the same like that. Not all girls are the same either, so in a sense you could just assume that more reasonable mistakes could actually be a real thing that simply may not apply to everyone.

I can see nipples hardening like that though. When you remove your shirt it's cold enough to do that, but I'm also built like a fucking twig so I'm easily effected by temperature differences. They can also sometimes harden just by running your hands over them briefly, so it all depends.

"me, but with the bonus that it's socially acceptable for me to slap people I don't like" I like this example. It's a good way to think about it. I am heavily biased I think toward men simply because I associate better with them I guess? I hate portraying girls because I feel awkward as hell doing it, like am I even getting it right? I'm not a very amazing girl myself. I wear men's clothes and don't wear jewelry or makeup, I don't sit properly, I've never really fit in with most of the feminine stereotypes aside from be being a little bitch when it comes to bugs and gross things. Oh, and being weak as fuck physically because exercise is effort and effort is gross. And I'm not a social person either so I dunno shit about the social aspect either aside from girls are gossip mongering two faced crazies? Based on my own interactions with them anyway.
 
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@humon here's the prose in question so you can judge for yourself

The vajaggle purse

The moodnipples...er, spigots

I also found this: https://www.thecut.com/article/sex-story-the-woman-whose-husband-is-sleeping-with-her-best-friend.html

"We have slow morning sex on the countertop while the bacon is cooking" - My issue is more culinary than with the sex itself. Hopefully he's quick and they're not in a galley kitchen

"He fucks me normally, missionary style" - normally

"And with no foreplay or anything, he just fucks me in my ass." - This happened once, it was awful

"Adam pulls out a new tub of blueberry lube from his bag." - Evidently he learned, but a tub? Should I give the benefit of the doubt that he meant to say "tube"? No, it's funnier this way. It's also funnier to imagine (he is a physician) that he stole it from the hospital and whipped it out of his Louis Vuitton Icare briefcase in Charcoal Damier, and in this universe of horny, drunk rich people, they do ultrasounds and urinary catheters with blueberry lube

"I give Adam a birthday blowjob." - That's the only sexual activity for that day
 

humon

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I am imagining a little tub of vaseline with blueberries on the label, and deep scoop marks in it. So classy.

It could be a big spacious kitchen, or they're still mostly clothed while fucking normally. Or maybe they have some kind of S&M thing going on. Bacon grease > candle wax. Change my mind.

On the mood nipples book I see the word 'planet' in a chapter heading on the other page. Maybe this is a scifi novel and the character with mood nipples is some kind of alien or sex robot.

Purse-in-vagina lady could have been some way of stashing it so it wouldn't be found during a strip-search. But it must have been painful as hell to stash something big enough to hold a credit card. Heh, or maybe it was forced in there, which would also give them the cause of death as well as the time...

> Adam is about to cum
> spaghetti falls out of his pocket
> I vomit all over his cock
 
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Yeah, but that's the thing. Neither side is a one size fits all. That knowledge I threw out there was based on what a guy told me, so not all guys are the same like that. Not all girls are the same either, so in a sense you could just assume that more reasonable mistakes could actually be a real thing that simply may not apply to everyone.

I can see nipples hardening like that though. When you remove your shirt it's cold enough to do that, but I'm also built like a fucking twig so I'm easily effected by temperature differences. They can also sometimes harden just by running your hands over them briefly, so it all depends.

"me, but with the bonus that it's socially acceptable for me to slap people I don't like" I like this example. It's a good way to think about it. I am heavily biased I think toward men simply because I associate better with them I guess? I hate portraying girls because I feel awkward as hell doing it, like am I even getting it right? I'm not a very amazing girl myself. I wear men's clothes and don't wear jewelry or makeup, I don't sit properly, I've never really fit in with most of the feminine stereotypes aside from be being a little bitch when it comes to bugs and gross things. Oh, and being weak as fuck physically because exercise is effort and effort is gross. And I'm not a social person either so I dunno shit about the social aspect either aside from girls are gossip mongering two faced crazies? Based on my own interactions with them anyway.
This is kind of related on the point of variations and portraying women in fic

I find that a lot of/enough female characters written by men are a lot like people who don't exist (or at least are "unicorns") in real life. I'm not objectively disagreeing because at the end of the day, it's all fantasy and everyone can write whatever they want. If you can't have fun with it, there's not really a point. I personally find the characters hilarious, though, because they're the ideal of a woman based solely on what the media shows, and on the contrived femininity that women put on for strangers. If you're in a relationship with one for long enough, you're gonna realize girls poop. Scat fetish jokes aside, I feel that's the maturity level of where a lot of women-written-by-men come from.

I'm kind of similar to you in that I'm female but not really good at being A Woman(TM) and have never been "initiated" into "woman culture", so I took this for granted. I was under the impression that the fantasy and reality of outwardly feminine, "hot" women were the same thing. I got to know more women, however, and realized we're not super different behind closed doors, they just like the benefits and act of putting on the "mystique". I tried it and got good enough to pass for a "hot" girl. You absolutely do get treated more courteously by strangers, other women trust you more by default, men randomly approach you, salespeople in certain types of stores are super attentive, etc. so I can see the appeal of it. It kind of got me in trouble, though, it was overwhelming, and I find the social cost of being androgynous is worth its own set of benefits.

The point of that, though, is I have to wonder about the experiences of men who write such types of characters. I don't know if, perhaps, younger generations of women are more honest about who they are in private when they become familiar with someone, versus older women who could keep up the act through decades of marriage (ex. never letting their husband see them without makeup, dressing cute in the house, etc.) Maybe the writers are older, not socialized with women on a familiar level, are from a different culture...or perhaps they're well aware what RL women are like, don't care, and just want to have a damn idealized fantasy that regresses to the time before they knew girls pooped, so to speak.

On the other hand, I personally think - and the same goes here: it's a fantasy so nothing is objectively wrong with it - some women don't interact with men in a capacity to know what they're like behind closed doors. Some of the reactions and speech patterns are very touchy-feely and feminine in fics I've read where I've known the writer was female. Yaoi is subject to a similar kind of idealization, where people are effortlessly and inexplicably perfect-looking -- impractical outfits, hair that is spontaneously styled, buff people who are never shown working out. I'm probably guilty of the speech patterns thing, because I can't always imagine my character's voice and I guarantee my inner voice isn't plausible for a 37 year old man.
 

ZetaInfection

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Thankfully my current relationship while long distance, is very chill and neither of us pretend to be who we aren't when we're together. I can't imagine putting on a facade like that for eternity. Sounds like it would be so fucking draining, lol.

You may be right about generation having some sort of influence on it. Current generations are a lot more lax compared to the older ones. But either way, idealization is fine in RP and self-indulgent stories, but I wouldn't want to see it in published works that are meant to be more realistic. And let's be real, I'm not publishing anything because my self-confidence is nonexistent and I have too many flaws in writing, pacing, and all sorts of stuff. XD

I went through that twitter and I just...No. People actually write like this and get published? lmfao. Some of that shit makes me watch to bleach my brain. Some of that stuff is really atrocious.
 
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I think generally the minimal standard for writing to get published, alone, has dropped in all common genres. It's easier than ever to self-publish and - I may have seen it somewhere on here - but there are erotica companies that steal non-copy-written fic from blogs and message boards and turn it into books with the smallest amount of editing it takes to get it from blog/post to book. In those cases, they don't have to pay anyone and with the low cost of self-publishing, it doesn't matter if the book sucks because the source material came from a teenager's Tumblr. Erotica (also: romance, young adult fiction, sci-fi/fantasy...a lot of what you can buy at WalMart) isn't really a "connoisseur" genre anyway, if 50 Shades of Gray is any indication that a book merely has to be just literate enough to make the middle third of the bell curve horny.

I've considered beating them to the punch and editing the better RPs into manuscripts, adding additional details/ending, and self-publishing out of pure spite and pettiness.
 

ZetaInfection

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Bottom feeders. P sure that's a plecostomus, sucker fish. Feeds off algae on the walls and bottom of the fish tank. My dad used to have one when I was young, they were pretty funny looking, but the joke here is bottom feeders.
 
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If a fic/RP/erotica describes a woman douching (not in so much detail it seems like a fetish) as part of being hygienic or preparing for a dick appointment, I instantly know the author is male. The inside of the vagina never needs cleaned under normal circumstances. If it stinks at any point, that's a sign of an infection.

I can also tell an author is male by how they describe bra sizes or body measurements. Like if a character is described as slim, but also as having 40-double-D boobs probably because "double-D mean big boob and bigger number mean even bigger boob", that doesn't make any sense. DD might mean big boobs, but it also might not. 40DD is pretty big, but if someone's band size is 40, they're likely plus size. Someone can be 30DD too, but those boobs will probably register as average-size boobs. All DD means is the measurement around the boobs is 5 inches bigger than the measurement under the boobs (A = 1 inch difference, B = 2, C = 3, D = 4, etc.). A slim woman will probably wear 28-34 band size; 36-40 is "average"; anything above that most likely will be "plus size". On a slim woman, an E (EE, F, G, H, etc.) is "big boobs", if you must, but generally it's enough to just say she has big boobs without citing any measurements and we can work out the fact she also wears a big bra.

I've seen character descriptions where a woman is described as being fairly tall (5'6" or taller), depicted as being fit or curvy, but her weight is like 95-105 lbs. That weight would be underweight and look waif-like (definitely not big boobs) even for someone who is much shorter. This visual BMI/Height/Weight gallery is a good way to figure out what a character's height/weight should be to make sense.

"36-24-36" is also not a magical measurement and it's not particularly buxom either, unless, like Sir Mix-a-Lot said, "only if she's 5'3"". A waist below 20" (18" is popular probably because of Gone With The Wind) is not a realistic waist measurement, even for a small person, unless the character wears a tightlacing corset. 23-30" is a slim to average waist, depending on height. Divide the waist measurement by 0.8 for an average/typical figure's hip measurement, by 0.7 for a curvy figure, or by 0.6 for a very curvy figure. You can make the hip measurement the boob measurement as well if the character is supposed to have an hourglass figure, or a few inches smaller because a big ass doesn't always mean big boobs

Male authors also frequently describe women putting on a bra frontwards then fastening it behind their back. That's very difficult and inefficient. I think most women either hook the bra beforehand and pull it over their head like a shirt, or put the strap on backwards around their waist, fasten it, spin it around, then put their arms through the straps and boobs in the cups last.

I've never seen this personally or even thought about it before (probably because it's more of an anime/manga thing), but someone elsewhere brought up men depicting women dropping their skirts to their ankles like a pair of pants to use the toilet, instead of holding it up around their waist. I'm sure there are exceptions, but it's easier to pull the skirt up because it doesn't touch the floor (the goal is also to not let it touch the back of the toilet either), letting it drop down is easier than pulling it back up, and you don't need to unzip it. I've heard of women wearing gowns or historic/cosplay outfits using the toilet "backwards", facing it and just lifting the front of the skirt, because it's easier to avoid dropping an unseen part of it in the toilet by accident.

7095
 

humon

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Hehe, "dick appointment"

A lot of that stuff I didn't know. Interesting. Although putting on the bra the inefficient way probably comes from movies, and it certainly looks sexier (while making sure the titties are covered up on-camera). Probably every myth comes from movies, and because those are mostly made by men, then the bias always skews toward getting women wrong. I wonder if the reverse happens with novels, which are mostly written by women. I don't really read novels, though.

That image looks like a trap. She's holding the roll in exactly that spot so you can't tell she has a penis.

When I take a shit while wearing office clothes I sometimes worry that the back of my shirt is hanging down so far it could brush against my ass and get some shit on it when I stand up to wipe. I imagine it would be even worse for skirts. Is that ever an issue?
 
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Re: shirt tails. I have no idea how other people deal with it but I just pull my shirt up.

Three anatomy-related ones I remembered...

1 - The idea that virgins have tight, pink vaginas with small flaps (this is mostly the stereotype I've seen in RPs and fics), and having sex makes someone "loose" or gives them flaps that look like Arby's roast beef is an urban legend, probably to discourage wanton fucking. What a vagina looks like is genetic and while there's other factors that determine how it feels or looks, the amount of sex or numbers of partners a person has, alone, isn't one. I'm guilty of this one -- I like the "tight virgin pussy" trope in RPs.

2 - The hymen isn't a "tamper resistant seal", like the ring thing on a water bottle, that breaks on the first time having sex and leaves a tell-tale blood stain on the bed. There are so many variations in what a hymen is (ex. it can be absent, or shaped in such a way it either doesn't break the first time, or easily breaks while doing something non-sexual) and how it can break (ex. sports, miscellaneous non-sexual shenanigans, being in a car crash), that it's not a reliable sign in all cases of whether a female is a virgin or not. I like the "hymen-breaking" trope in RP, but it's really wack that people have died over this and still do even though it's been proven to not work exactly as previously thought.

3 - Boob size doesn't increase the more sex a woman has. Technically sex makes boobs bigger (hormones and blood flow, pregnancy aside), but not so much that it's going to make them increasingly larger cup sizes over time. I mostly heard this IRL, but I've probably stumbled upon this in plots/DA on occasion, mostly as a fetish. Aside from gaining/losing weight or getting surgery, your tits are your tits and they're going to be whatever size/shape your genetics say.
 

humon

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1 - I think the "roastie" trope comes from some pornos where the actress has this nasty used-up pussy that looks swollen and discoloured, like it's been bruised from too hard a pounding or something. It's mostly a MGTOW thing as far as I'm aware, conceived in the spirit of sour grapes. Muslims use the analogy of a candy without a wrapper, which just picks up dirt and gets really gross the longer you leave it unwrapped. They're both using physical analogies to talk about something that happens on a psychological/chemical level, where the more partners a woman is with, the less intimately she can pair-bond with anyone specific, and so the more likely she is to cheat on you or divorce you and take half your stuff.

2 - My theory is that hymen shape is influenced by ethnicity. Ethnic groups that have purity tests before marriage, like in Somalia, etc, are going to select for women with tougher hymens that stretch all the way across. Ethnic groups that don't test for purity will select away from this toward hymen shapes that are more efficient for discharging periods. Or it could be somewhere in the middle, if cherry-popping is something a certain demographic of rich men are expecting on their wedding night, but is not necessarily a deal-breaker for the marriage if it doesn't happen.

3 - I've never heard the thing about BE from sex. Maybe it's an urban legend spawned from the observation that boobs getting bigger from pregnancy, such that older women tend to have "MILF tits". This makes me wonder, though, if birth control pills might have an effect, since they are meant to alter a woman's body chemistry to simulate the early stages of pregnancy, preventing ovulation (and creating some interesting side effects in terms of the genetic profiles of men they're attracted to). Women who have lots of sex (especially with multiple partners) would almost certainly be on the pill, so maybe that inflates their boobs in some way.
 

ZetaInfection

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I can confirm birth control pills do not make tits bigger because I've been on them for years and I'm still as flat as I've always been. XD It might have to do with actually reaching the point of lactation for them to get bigger. I dunno shit about pregnancy but I thought that sort of thing happened much later in the process.
 
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1 - "Roastie" probably does come from porn. I don't watch enough porn, let alone M/F or F/F porn to be able to comment on what the vaginas look like. Vag's definitely swell up from sex, but it lasts maybe a couple hours and it goes back to the original shape. Otherwise, married women (who probably have more sex over their lifetimes) would be "roasties" just a few years into marriage -- married women's vaginas aren't typically out in the open to comment on, though, but I see very few complaints or tropes about it.

I've seen the studies on "number of partners vs divorce likelihood" and my issue is that it says nothing about screening the participants for mental illnesses. It's well-documented that some personality disorders and mental illnesses (ex. cluster B like BPD, HPD, etc.) not only correlate with but cause "brief, intense" relationships, manipulative emotional theatrics, and "seductive behavior". It's also well-documented that cluster B disorders are vastly more prevalent in women than in men, which is a reasonable explanation for why the same pattern isn't seen in men.

The analogous disorders in men are NPD, ASPD, and sociopathy/psychopathy (kind of the same thing on a spectrum, it could be argued). Those disorders also correlate with brief, intense relationships. One difference is, even for non-psychopathic men, getting material things isn't a motivation for marriage or divorce. Men on the psychopathic spectrum typically want sex, control/power, and excitement -- marriage isn't required for any of those, though, so he is better off unmarried. If he knocks up a woman, it's less difficult to just pay the child support and go about his business, than to deal with her and her kid 24/7. That is, unless he wants power and excitement in an area (e.g. the professional world) where a married man with a family "looks better on paper" and it makes him look personable, responsible, relatable, etc. The second difference is the man on the psychopathic spectrum is not ruled by his emotions and is better at managing his reputation than the cluster B woman. If his success/standing would be better off without a divorce, he will avoid divorce. Plus, if he's married, it's likely that he will have the upper hand in all matters and has the power to modify behavior (e.g. coerce), so he's also less motivated to divorce.

It makes more sense that a high bodycount and dysfunctional marriage are caused by the same underlying factor - and the more severe the mental illness is, they more they will churn through partners - rather than someone without anything wrong with them gradually going crazy because they've had too much dick. People can get traumatized by abuse, and more partners means a higher likelihood of encountering an abuser capable of that, but there's no known mental disorder that spontaneously arises solely from having too many sexual partners.

The simplification of "more dicks = more crazy" is a big, fat cope.

2 - Maybe it's possible, but there's no evidence. If anything, the prevalence of hymenoplasty in regions that associate an intact hymen 100% with virginity shows that a) people are being hypocrites and/or b) that theory doesn't really hold water because females are still breaking their hymens in non-sexual ways. Maybe I need to stop colonizing sex here, but it seems a little ridiculous that when a 15 year old didn't bleed on her marriage consummation, the first conclusion is that she's been whoring.

3 - The apparent pregnancy correlation might be the reason, but it's definitely an urban legend, perhaps from the time women who got pregnant by accident "went to visit their aunt" before they started to show. Even by that point, the difference might be a cup size or less.

Going on the pill doesn't "replicate pregnancy" (exactly), it just basically puts the monthly variation of hormones on "pause" as they would be immediately after ovulation (complete with high progesterone) so the uterine lining doesn't build up enough for a egg to implant (normally, FSH would cause it to grow and be ready for ovulation), ovulation doesn't occur (because estrogen is kept at a consistent level and it's the spike in estrogen that triggers ovulation), and changes the cervical mucus so sperm can't easily go through it. Granted, the week after ovulation is associated with higher appetite (iirc because of progesterone) so if someone's boobs are bigger while they're on birth control, to the point someone has noticed it, that's because they've gained weight in general.

Pregnancy causes bigger boobs. Weight gain causes bigger boobs. Hormonal fluctuations cause bigger boobs, but not to a huge extent. Having sex, by itself, does not cause bigger boobs.
 
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